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Dog Jokes/Poems/Cute Pics

 

Dear God: It's me, the Dog Dear God: Is it on purpose that our Names are spelled the same, only in reverse? Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or will it be the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog? Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God: Here is a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog: 1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats it or after he throws it up. 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar. 4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. 5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'. 8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table. 9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after. 10. I will not come in from outside, and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. 11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room, and lick my crotch. 12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy', so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.  P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I                have my testicles back?

 

In case you need a refresher course on “How to Lick the Bowl”  For this up coming holiday season

 

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door... Dear Dogs: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

The ten pet peeves dogs have with humans..... '1'  Blaming your farts on me..... not funny.... not funny at all !!!  --------------------------------  '2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!!! --------------------------------  '3'  Taking me for a walk, then  not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly whose walk is this anyway?  -------------------------------- '4' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!  -------------------------------- '5'  Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.Now you know why we chew your stuffup when you're not home!  -------------------------------------------- '6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw..  You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo, whata proud moment for the top of the food chain.  -------------------------------- '7'  Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak  out every time we go back!  -------------------------------- '8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.   --------------------------------------- '9' Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur? ---------------------------------------  '10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.  -------------------------------- Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you? EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.  A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!